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Tim Vine Jokes – The King of One Liners…

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Tim Vine is a comedy genius. His one-liners are fantastic and his stand up routines are something not to be missed.

I’ve always been a fan of his due to the fact that he doesn’t need to resort to slagging people off, swearing, or being controversial in order to get the crowd going. On the contrary, you could take your ten year old nephew to watch him – and you wouldn’t feel weird at laughing at the same stuff.

As a big fan, I’ve decided to collate some of the best (and newest) of his jokes, along with a few old corkers too! .

A zany example of some of the jokes he comes out with includes the moment where he holds a sign that says “7 Days” half way down his legs, and then exlclaims: “Look at that… weak at the knees!”

Anyhow, I’ve posted a few more of his newest one-liners here…

So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon?  Siesta Rantzen.

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”)  Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

Please note, I will be adding a new joke from his new DVD on a daily basis.

To be informed of when I add new Tim Vine jokes, simply click the envelope icon below and enter your email address. If you subscribe to the “Life Blog”, the next time we update it, you’ll be the first to know (and also be the first to chortle away!).

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about the author

    This article was written by Sam Davis on November 19, 2008.
    Computing over a glass of Grenache Shiraz... again!
    Sam is the Editor of Blasted Thing. Contact Us

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